


sometimes you gotta fall before you fly (we're gonna work it out)

by pistolpeach



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Mentioned Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Mild Language, Minor Violence, Pining, jisung punches someone that's all, poor jisung is pining ALOT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:47:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28545072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pistolpeach/pseuds/pistolpeach
Summary: Jisung wasn’t really sure when he started looking at Renjun like he was his world rather than just his regular, shmegular best friend. But looking at him now, with concern written all over his face for Jisung’s happiness, it just makes him wonder how he ever looked at him as anything less.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Park Jisung
Comments: 6
Kudos: 84
Collections: the rensung files





	sometimes you gotta fall before you fly (we're gonna work it out)

**Author's Note:**

> for prompt #RS053. i hope i did it justice.
> 
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/yunospeach) (@/yunospeach) c:

Renjun is a lot of things. He’s witty as hell, a little cocky, and such a little shit, it’s infuriating. But he’s also kind, wise, loving, and feels like home. He’s Jisung’s absolute world, the moon, the stars, and every particle in between. Yes, Renjun is a lot of things, but above all else, he’s _smart_. Jisung was always absolutely floored by his best friend’s intelligence and he knew that he was capable of anything and everything he put his mind to. But it was made painfully obvious the day Renjun came bursting into Jisung’s room saying he had gotten into the most prestigious college in all of Seoul. 

So when Renjun is bursting at the seams saying he got Early Admission into his dream school, Jisung breaks into a sweat. It wasn’t that he doubted Renjun’s ability to get into the university, no it certainly wasn’t that, it was that he doubted  _ his own  _ ability. 

“Ji!! Can you believe it! They accepted  _ me _ , me!”

Jisung couldn’t help but soften at the edges despite his stress, how could he when Renjun was in front of him, flushed and absolutely ecstatic? 

“You’re the smartest person I know, Jun. They’d be stupid not to take you. Early admission though?” he worried his bottom lip between his teeth, “That’s… wow. I’m so proud of you.”

Renjun surged forward and collapsed onto Jisung in a hug, tossing them back onto his bed. He was warm in Jisung’s hold and it just threw his heart into a storm. When Renjun pulled away he rolled over and thrashed around happily. Jisung peered over at him and saw how he had a content look on his face and sighed.

“I just can’t believe it, I mean Yonsei? It’s been my dream for like, ever.” Renjun turned his head over as well and grinned. Jisung blushed and looked up nodding his head.

“I’m so happy for you, honestly.” 

“Well, don’t look so…. I dunno, sad. You’ll get in too, I know it’s what you’ve wanted and I know you’ll get it, I mean it’s only you’re sophomore year!” 

Renjun immediately switched gears, mistaking Jisung’s pensiveness for sadness. Renjun tossed him a gloomy smile, his doe eyes shining. Jisung couldn’t help but flush deeper. 

Of course, it’s what he’s wanted. He’s wanted it ever since he was in middle school and Renjun wouldn’t shut up about how going to Yonsei for Literature was his dream. He’s wanted it ever since they got into high school and Renjun would drag Jisung to the library in the dead of summer just to read his favourite English classics. He’s wanted it ever since his first day of sophomore year, when Renjun applied and Jisung shoved his nose into piles of books so he could send in his application two years after him, praying, wishing, and wanting for nothing more than to get that acceptance letter in the mail so his worries would be over until the next ones came along.

See, because that’s the thing with Renjun. There is absolutely nothing Jisung wouldn’t do for him. 

It all started when they had first met back when they were younger. Jisung was only five then and Renjun was seven, but Renjun was new to the school Jisung had attended. It had been recess and some of the kids were playing tag. Renjun had been volunteered to be It since he was new, and he looked absolutely miserable when he got chosen. All the other kids teamed up with their friends and ran away from him as he constantly tripped over his feet in an attempt to catch anyone. Jisung hadn’t been a part of the game but seeing Renjun flounder around to find anyone had him racing up next to him. Next thing Renjun knew, Jisung was in his line of sight and had slowed down so Renjun could tag him. The relief that spread over his features to see Jisung there and relieve him of his torment had stuck with Jisung ever since.

Since then, it’s just the way it’s always been. Jisung being It whenever Renjun needed him to be, just so Renjun wouldn’t have to. And Jisung wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. 

Up until his feelings started to get involved. Because of course, they did. Getting older sucks.

Jisung wasn’t really sure when he started looking at Renjun like he was his world rather than just his regular, shmegular best friend. But looking at him now, with concern written all over his face for Jisung’s happiness, it just makes him wonder how he ever looked at him as anything less.

  
  
  
  
  


“Bro stop MOPING, my god.” 

Jisung sighed and rolled over onto his back to see Chenle viciously pressing buttons on the Xbox controller. “I’m not moping.” At that he huffed and turned around, letting his character die. 

“So you’re just not down to play mortal kombat on a random day of winter break because you’d rather lay there in bed and stare at nothing?” Jisung opened his mouth to speak when Chenle cut him off and with a menacing grin on his face said “Or are you thinking of Renjun?” 

Jisung groaned and ran his fingers through his too-long hair. Of course, he was thinking of Renjun. Of course, he was thinking of how it's already been a year since Renjun’s been away at school, but who’s counting? Of course, he was thinking about how it’d been one week (seven whole days, 168 hours, Jisung spared himself the minutes) since he’d last heard from Renjun, but again, who’s counting? Of course, he was thinking of how it’s already winter break and Jisung had heard back from every school he applied to except for the only one that mattered. 

“Ahhh, your face says it all, Sung,” Chenle snickered and got off the floor where he sat, wiping the crumbs off his sweater. Jisung grimaced, making a mental note to sweep later. Chenle pushed him roughly and got into his bed next to Jisung and stared up at the ceiling. 

Jisung began to pick at his sweater and sighed heavily “It’s just been a week and I haven’t heard shit from him. Like, I know our winter schedules aren’t lined up or whatever so I wasn’t expecting to be on break the same time as him but we don’t go this long without talking.” Jisung shrugged his shoulders and chucked, “I’m being stupid. He’s probably fine.” 

Chenle just sat quietly and listened to Jisung’s worries tumble out of his mouth. 

“I just really want him to be proud of me. I really studied my ass off so that I could even  _ consider  _ applying to Yonsei. If I don’t get in it’s like. What’s the point?”

Chenle punched his shoulder softly and rested his head softly against Jisung’s shoulder. 

“Sung, you have a shit ton of other schools begging to have you. If Yonsei doesn’t want you then what  _ is  _ the point? They don’t see what we do. We move on.” He sat up suddenly, pulling Jisung towards him by the cuff of his pullover sweater.

“Cmon, let’s go get some doughnuts and hot chocolate or some shit. It’s not too cold so we can get on our boards.” 

Jisung grinned. Besides Renjun, Chenle was his other closest friend. Jisung had always known Chenle, he was the boy in the grade above him and also went to his school but other than being cordial they had never really spoken. It wasn’t until Renjun left and Jisung was left feeling sorry for himself and lonely that he ever really noticed Chenle, to begin with. He was eating lunch alone when Chenle plopped himself directly across from him, dropping his lunch container down and startling Jisung. Just as Jisung was going to ask him what was up, Chenle started to tease him about how he was throwing himself a pity party in the cafeteria every day for the first week of classes. Jisung flushed red and they’ve been attached at the hip since. He never realized how alike they were, literally like two halves of the same coin and he’s so grateful for Chenle. He feels like he’s known him his whole life.

It’s why when Jisung is feeling sad or lost, he’s thankful Chenle is by his side. Chenle knows when to give him space, when to push him, when to get him out of his head, and when to just listen. He doesn’t let Jisung lament for too long or get stuck in his shitty moods when they come. For how much shit Chenle gives him and how vocal he is about every thought in his head, Jisung loves him so much.

Which is why he shakes his uneasiness about Renjun potentially ignoring him and grabs his jean jacket from the foot of Chenle’s bed, slipping his beanie on and throwing on a mask so he can go indulge Chenle and free himself from the confines of his mind.

  
  
  
  


That night, when Jisung says bye to Chenle after spending the day with him, Jisung promises himself he won’t think about it.

And he doesn’t! 

He grabs his snacks and sets himself up at his desk, playing pc games until his eyes are dry and his back is crying for relief. Still, he won’t let himself think. He hones in on the burning in his eyes and whines about his back and continues to play, if only to occupy his mind a little further. 

But of course, distractions only last for so long. 

When he gets up to stretch his muscles and grab some water, his eyes drift over to Renjun’s house across the street and his thoughts start to wander. He pushes his glasses up on his head and shoves the balls of his hands into his eyes. 

He sighs heavily and tosses the rest of his water down the drain, turning his back to the window and trying to relax. Learning how to be away from Renjun after spending every waking moment together was  _ hard _ . Renjun was there for every mundane and ordinary moment of Jisung’s life since he was five. Going from that to rushed facetime calls and days without speaking has been eating him alive. He’s happy for Renjun, of  _ course  _ he is. This is his dream! But Jisung can’t help but feel forgotten as he goes onto his second year without Renjun. He thought it would get easier, but it just got worse after Renjun came home for summer break and they quickly fell back into their original routine just for him to get ripped away  _ again _ .

It certainly doesn’t help that Jisung is out of his mind with how strong his feelings for him are. The distance has done nothing for his aching heart. Every day that he spent away from Renjun just had him remembering all the reasons he missed him in the first place and it was like he had a radio in his mind, constantly tuned in to flood his brain with thoughts of Renjun. He tried to quell the thoughts, truly he did. He thought that by throwing himself into his studies it would distract him further but knowing the end goal was Renjun well…..Jisung needs a break.

He rinses out his cup, stretches his arms a little, and quietly gets into bed.

He thought that with how exhausted his racing thoughts would make him, the minute his head hit the pillow he would fall asleep instantly. But of course his thoughts are still swirling and swirling, creating a tornado in his mind and a dull ache behind his eyes. 

He forces his eyes shut and his breathing to relax. But when he closes his eyes, it’s just Renjun’s smiling face embedded behind his eyelids and he lets out a frustrated groan into the darkness of his bedroom. He hates that it has to be this way, that his relationship with Renjun is just at the forefront of his mind every hour of the day. 

It was never this way between them. It was never a chore to shut his mind off where Renjun was concerned. Probably because Renjun was always there, filling his physical space so that his mental space never had the chance to miss him. But clearly things were different now. Now that Renjun had his own life outside of caring for Jisung. Now that Renjun had things to do other than be chained to his phone the way Jisung was, waiting for some sign of life from the boy that plagues his thoughts.

That stupid boy and his stupid school with his stupid books. Stupid books that Jisung has grown warm to because they’re things his stupid stupid boy is passionate about. 

And there’s nothing Jisung loves more than Renjun’s passions. 

Which is what brought him to rise out of bed and to his bookshelf, decorated with novel after novel. All classics -- Renjun’s favorite. His fingers dancing across the spines until they landed on a leather bound cover. He pulled it out and sat at his desk. 

It was a simple notebook. Plain black, leather cover, offwhite lined pages inside, nondescript. It was a gift from Renjun so that Jisung could  _ “Get your thoughts out- What! Don’t look at me like that, it  _ works _. Just try it out Sung.” _

Renjun gave it to him when he entered his freshman year of highschool. Probably assuming his little kiddy problems would turn into something much larger. He was right of course. Which is what makes Jisung sit down at his desk and blindly reach for a pen. 

When he started he just couldn’t stop. 

Writing his feelings down on paper. Writing down how he could stare into the stars of this boy’s eyes and never get bored. Writing down how he was always incredibly proud of his intellect and floored by his desire to always do better and push himself harder. Writing down how he missed every detail of him, how he missed getting those texts from this boy, how he missed listening to him talk and talk. Writing down how he was absolutely out of his mind in love with this boy that could only be described as a dream.

It was cathartic. It hushed his loud thoughts and it made him  _ tired _ . 

In no time he found himself hastily shoving the notebook into his bedside drawer and crawling into bed with drooping eyes. He pulled the cover up to his chin and curled into himself, hugging his pillow. 

That night when he slept, he didn’t dream. His mind was quiet. 

  
  
  


A week later, Jisung was woken up by the sound of pounding at his bedroom door. He groaned and yanked his blanket over his head. He knew it wasn’t his parents, who were far too busy for him and away on a business trip. Couldn’t be Chenle, he knew better than to come in making that much noise at 7AM…. _ or did he?  _

He knew it wasn’t Renjun, he laughed at himself for even considering it. Week two and it was still radio silence from the object of his affections. No, it had to be Chenle. 

He rolled his eyes at the incessant bangng and shouted that he was coming.

“Jesus, Lele, stop  _ banging _ I’m coming-”

“Lele? Do I  _ look  _ like that big headed replacement?”

Jisung could not believe his eyes. He had to still be dreaming. There was no way that after damn near fifteen days of nothing, the very boy that had him filling his tattered journal to the brim and turning over and over in bed every night was standing before him. Standing before him with purple-silver hair that he was certain his parents gave him shit for. Standing before him with a bag of what could only be ramen in his hand and a tightly packed bookbag on his back. 

Standing before him banging on his door the way he always had every Christmas Eve, refusing to let him stay alone when his parents were gone. 

Suddenly his eyes filled with tears and before he could stop himself they started pouring down his face. 

A string of curses fell from Renjun’s mouth as he pushed Jisung back into his room, carefully placing the food on his desk and his bag on the floor before cradling the sobbing boy in his arms. 

“Sung it’s okay.”

And he  _ knew _ that, he  _ knew _ it was okay. So why couldn’t he stop  _ crying _ ? His mind was a mess, thoughts tangled like the hiccups in his throat and the tears making a mess of his face. All he could think about was the constricting in his chest, the pounding of his heart, the warmth of Renjun’s arms around him, so so warm like it hasn’t been in months and the realization had another round of sobs ripping through his chest. If he weren’t beyond logic, he would have noticed the slight panic in Renjun’s voice as he asked him what was wrong and why he wouldn’t stop crying. He would hear the slight quiver in his words as he tried over and over to reassure him that he was right there and he wasn’t leaving. 

And yet he had.

“Where  _ were  _ you, Jun,” Jisung spoke through the tightness in his throat. And he hated how that confession made him sound, like a little kid who needed to be placated. 

“I’m right here-”

“No like for the past two weeks, and the days before that. It’s like you, like, like-” the anxiety started to bubble out of him and Renjun’s face fell as he finished Jisung’s thoughts.

“I could never and will never forget about you, Jisung, don’t even.” And Jisung’s chest swelled with something that can only be described as a feeling only Renjun can give him.

Renjun laid down and spooned Jisung (who tried to stop his heart from racing) as he explained how he had gotten busy with finals. He knew that even though he could have called Jisung, he had wanted to surprise him. School had been kicking his ass and he had stress-cried more times than he could count in the final weeks of the semester; he didn’t want the younger to worry about him. 

“Plus, I wanted to see your reaction to my super cool absolutely drop dead gorgeous hair. Before you started crying-” he flicked his forehead and Jisung scrunched his nose “I kinda got a little glimpse of your reaction so I guess it’s okay.” 

Renjun’s face pinched with a bit of worry, “But don’t think I’ll forget about you. I’ll get busy and people will take up my time, but I’ll always have time for you, Sung, you’re my best friend.”

As Renjun spoke, the weight that had been holding him down had begun to lessen, and again he felt like he could breathe. He squeezed Renjun’s arms around his torso and murmured his understanding, afraid to speak out loud because he was sure the sobs had wrecked his throat. God if Chenle found out he would never let this go; it was just more ammunition for the “Jisung Crybaby” Agenda. Jisung decided Chenle would  _ not _ find out. 

Renjun suddenly yanked them up and fumbled around the younger boy’s bed to face him. He got super close to him and Jisung was sure he could count his eyelashes which he realized was way too close for comfort as his heart started to hammer out of his chest. He backed up instinctively and Renjun just got closer again, startling Jisung. 

“So waddya think?” Jisung couldn’t focus, much less understand the words coming out of his best friend’s mouth. Not when he could practically breathe in his air and hear his thoughts - he was so  _ close _ .

“Uhhh.” 

_ Very intelligent Jisung.  _ He mentally kicked himself and Renjun rolled his eyes before leaning back on one hand. 

“About my  _ hair _ , Sung. The stress didn’t magically turn me grey.”

“I thought it was the old age- _ ow _ hyung, c'mon. It was a joke, live a little.” 

“Watch your mouth.” 

Jisung’s mouth curved up at the edges, pushing Renjun’s buttons was his favorite thing to do. Even if the slight pain in his shoulder from Renjun’s weak slap willed him to think otherwise. 

“Sooooo, answer me!” Renjun began to pick at his cuticles - his nervous habit - and Jisung swatted his hands away so they wouldn’t bleed. 

He brought his attention to Renjun’s hair. The way the bright rays of sun caught against certain strands made them reflect back incredibly bright, his hair appearing almost a white lilac. The lightness made his eyes look darker, his brows sharper. He was suddenly aware of the slight flush of his cheeks, the brightness of his hair making the pink look that much sweeter. His eyes dropped to his lips and he was acutely aware of how his lips were pursed, bitten raw from his nerves and  _ very _ pink - matching his cheeks like an accessory. His tongue peeked out to lick his lips as the time elapsed and Jisung flushed insanely pink before looking away quickly.

“I think it looks uh, really good hyung. Matches you really well,” Jisung said dumbly, he wanted to punch himself. Could he be more obvious? 

Renjun’s laughter filled the air before Jisung could say anything more. “Thanks, Ji. I wanted a change. I think the stress got to me and instead of drowning my troubles in alcohol, I decided hair dye was the way to go. Jaemin helped.” Renjun flushed a deeper shade of pink and Jisung bristled as Renjun continued. “If he wasn’t there I’m sure I would have fried my hair.” 

Jaemin.

Jisung tried not to let the boy get to him when Renjun had called him last year gushing. Really, he tried his best. He was stupid to consider him some threat, especially when Renjun didn’t even know Jisung was hopelessly in love with him. It was pointless anger and jealousy, but he couldn’t help it. His jealousy. Jaemin was everything Jisung was not. Smart as hell, cute as fuck, funny, endearing, flirty, forward. He had it all. 

Most of all, he was Renjun’s age, and that was where all of Jisung’s jealousy reached its peak.

At the end of the day, Jaemin was someone Renjun would never have to wait over; someone Renjun would never have to take care of. Jaemin would always be on the same page as Renjun, they would always have the same pressing struggles and Jaemin would  _ never  _ have to chase after Renjun. They met by chance because they graduated high school at the same time, applied at the same time, did it because they dreamt of making something out of themselves at Yonsei. Jisung loved chasing after Renjun, loved taking the heat so he wouldn't have to and loved being needed by him. But Renjun would never see Jisung the same way he saw Jaemin. Jisung would always be his best friend - his younger friend he would always watch over. It tore Jisung up to pieces. 

This was why he couldn’t help but be annoyed whenever Renjun brought up Jaemin. The way he spoke of him was just worlds different from the way he behaved with Jisung. The childish part of him wanted to scream it wasn’t fair. But really, it just wasn’t fair that he was upset over this when Renjun didn’t know how he felt, and he never would at this rate. 

By the time he started to wrap up his internal anguish, he had barely caught the tail end of Renjun’s rambling.

“-and then he kissed me and oh my god we kissed can you believe that?” 

Jisung choked on air. 

“You guys kissed?” Renjun’s cheeks were about as red as Jisung had ever seen them as he nodded his head. He looked….shy? It was so unlike him to act this way and Jisung hated himself for saying he hated it.

Jisung did all he could to muster up some form of happiness for him. Something to show that he cared, a grin, a smile, a freaking thumbs up. All he could muster was a weak smile and a tight “Wow, that’s great, Junnie.” Luckily (or unluckily) for him, Renjun was too over the moon to notice his lack of enthusiasm, and, much to Jisung’s chagrin, he forged on with his story.

“It wasn’t anything crazy, but it was nice. After I washed my hair out in the sink and he blow dried it a bit, he was just kinda looking at me and I was kinda looking at him and I dunno he just leaned in and kissed me. I was too shocked to do much because then he pulled away and he asked if it was okay and he started to say he shouldn’t have done it without asking but then I kissed him back and-” he took in a big puff of air and grinned sheepishly at Jisung. “And then we kissed for a little. He stayed for a little afterward, we ate, he left, and that was that.”

Jisung tried to stop himself but the words came tumbling out of his mouth before he could think. “So is he your boyfriend now or something?” Renjun looked at him with wide eyes and brushed his hair back before looking away. There it was again, that timidness. 

“I dunno. We never really talked about it since. We just kinda kiss here and there I guess. We text often.”

Jisung mulled the words over in his head. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. The longer he thought about it, the more he felt like he had missed this chance that he knew he never had. And to his own distaste, he also celebrated the fact that they were in a situationship - deep down it made him feel like he still had some opportunity to sweep Renjun off his feet. He hated thinking this way. 

He didn’t want to think. 

He didn’t want to waste anymore thoughts on Jaemin when his brightest star was right there before him, ready to continue their Christmas Eve tradition like there was no time lost between them. 

So he didn’t. He swiftly directed the conversation over to the fact that he had yet to brush his teeth and to the ramen that was probably getting cold and suddenly Jaemin was just a distant memory. 

  
  
  


Christmas Eve had gone according to tradition, with Renjun and Jisung downing copious amounts of ramen while watching movies cuddled up in Jisung’s bed. They purposely turned down the heat so it would give them an excuse to bring out some more blankets and huddle closer together as they watched movie after movie, until it was dark outside. They made brownies (read: Renjun attempted to fix the brownies Jisung added too many eggs to) and ate them while laughing and talking more about what Chenle and Jisung had gotten up to in the months Renjun had been basically MIA. With Renjun there with him all day, filling his day with laughter and food and movies and cuddles, Jisung didn’t have time to think about the fact that his parents weren’t there and that lonely feeling they leave in their wake was nothing but a dull ache in the back of his mind. 

Soon there were only minutes to midnight and Jisung could tell Renjun was buzzing with excitement despite the way his shoulders drooped with exhaustion. 

“Can we open gifts already, I can’t wait until midnight.”

“Hyung, there’s only 2 minutes left.”

“I don’t care.”

“Fine.”

Renjun squealed and fumbled over Jisung’s legs to reach his bag without having to get out of the bed and Jisung jumped to yank his ankles before he fell over. Renjun returned clutching his book bag to his chest and a mad smile on his face. “Merry Christmas, Sung!” Renjun reached into his bag and shoved an unwrapped box in his hands. “I didn’t have time to wrap it because finals, but I knew you wouldn’t mind. I just know how much you love listening to music, I always see you dancing a little at your desk and headphones aren’t enough sometimes, so, yeah.” Jisung’s eyes gleamed as he broke into a toothy grin. It was a simple JBL speaker, not even the newest one, but it was absolutely perfect. It meant more to him that Renjun had even realized those little details more than anything else. Just as he was about to say thank you Renjun stopped him. “I have one more thing!” 

“Jun, you didn’t have to.” 

“I didn’t, but your mailbox was overflowing with mail that I’m assuming is weeks old.” Jisung’s eyebrows pinched in confusion as Renjun whipped out a wrinkled manilla envelope. 

“This was shoved at the bottom.”

Jisung rolled his eyes and grabbed it from Renjun before his eyes turned into saucers. 

_ Yonsei University Office of Admissions.  _

Jisung felt his heart in his mouth and his hands began to shake as he looked at Renjun. 

“At the  _ bottom _ ?”

“Jesus, Jisung, I know when you get stressed you ignore your problems but I don’t think that’s the way to go with college acceptance letters. Open it!”

Jisung stared at the envelope and suddenly it felt like it weighed 100 kilos. After much coaxing from Renjun, he eventually tore it open and held it upside down in his hands. His hands shook with the effort to keep it facedown and he closed his eyes as he relaxed his breathing. 

_ “ If Yonsei doesn’t want you then what  _ is  _ the point? They don’t see what we do. We move on.” _

Jisung flipped the paper over quickly and at once Renjun was pressed against his side. He skimmed the paper to catch that opening line:

“We are pleased to inform you that you have been admitted to…”

Renjun laughed and snatched Jisung up in his arms squeezing him so tight, Jisung was afraid he would snap in half. He was flooded with joy, Renjun’s emotions greatly impacting his own. Again he felt that foolish relief that his chance to get Renjun to see him was not over yet, he at least got another two years before it was completely over. He would make it work.

  
  
  
  


Despite his happiness, his sleep was absolutely restless. He didn’t dream, but his mind was racing and racing and racing with thoughts of --

He never hated thinking about Renjun so much.

Despite going to sleep the most at peace he had been in months since Renjun left to school again, his brain was running a mile a minute. When he wasn’t thinking of Renjun’s smiling face, he was thinking of Jaemin’s - his brilliant smile directed at Renjun. Jaemin and Renjun hugging, laughing, watching movies, eating brownies during Christmas. 

Kissing.

He thought of what it would feel like knowing Renjun fell completely head over heels for Jaemin and it  _ hurt _ . It hurt, sure, because Jisung loved him and wanted to be Jaemin more than he thought was healthy (is it ever healthy to wish to be someone else?), but mostly because he was afraid he would never get over Renjun. He was afraid he would harbor these feelings forever and would be stuck hurting forever.

And he was more afraid because he found that he wouldn’t mind if it meant he would still be by Renjun’s side.

  
  
  


Suddenly he was being roused from his restless sleep and was face to face with Renjun’s worried face, his countenance lit up by the street lights outside. 

“Ji, what’s wrong are you okay?”

Jisung looked around and realized it was almost 3AM. He pawed at his face, to wipe the sleep away and let out a noise of confusion when he felt that it was wet. He was crying in his sleep?

“Ji you were whimpering and when I woke up, you were saying my name and crying. Are you okay? Was it a nightmare?”

Jisung flushed with embarrassment and wiped the remainder of his tears from his face. He turned away from Renjun and brought the blanket up as he mumbled, “Yeah, I guess you could say that.” He could feel Renjun’s hesitation as he lowered himself back down beside the younger. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Right. 

_ Hey Renjun I was just crying in my sleep because I was being pathetic and being jealous over your stupid college fling and letting myself be okay with the fact that I’ll never get over my feelings for you. And yes! I have feelings for you, haha so funny! _

Because that would go so well. Renjun murmured a soft ‘hmm’, taking Jiung’s silence as an answer. Jisung knew he was being unfair, it wasn’t Renjun’s fault. But he couldn’t help it, he was annoyed with himself. Renjun overlapped his leg around the younger’s and said nothing. It wasn’t for almost another 20 minutes that Renjun finally spoke. 

“I love you, Ji.”

_ Yeah, but not nearly enough. _

  
  
  
  
  
  


Jisung thought that going to college with Renjun would be life changing.

In short, it wasn’t. In fact, it was oddly normal. 

The first semester Jisung entered college was rough, he had to apply himself ten times harder than before. He found himself locked in his room or in the library reading until his eyes were dry and the words were burned into his dreams. He had no time for anything but studying and trying to find a schedule that wouldn’t absolutely destroy him, because he knew he couldn’t work like this for the remainder of his time there. 

Chenle had urged him over and over to take breaks and look for clubs that would suit him, yelling at him over the phone to find out if they had a dance club or if there was a studio nearby. Jisung shut him down almost immediately. He hadn’t danced in over two years. When he was afraid that he wouldn’t get into Yonsei, he had to give up his hours at the small dance studio near his house to spend all his time studying for entrance exams. Needless to say the extra time paid off, but Chenle could see that he missed dancing. Which is why he yelled at him week after week on facetime. Jisung promised once he got a better routine down, he would look into it. 

And he did get a routine down by the end of the semester thanks to Renjun. His best friend had passed by his room everyday with his books - since they got into the same English Language and Literature program - and helped Jisung reconfigure his study habits and the way he planned out his essays. Jisung was eternally grateful for Renjun’s help and his presence. He was always there ensuring Jisiung didn’t get burnt out, making sure he took breaks when he needed to, supplying food, and staying up late with him so he wouldn’t be alone. It was so characteristically them, Jisung wondered why he ever thought college would make them different.

Of course with Renjun, some nights came Jaemin. Jaemin who still wasn’t Renjun’s boyfriend but in some grey area in between. Jisung tried to hold onto his anger and viscous envy, he did. But the more and more time he spent around Jaemin the more and more he couldn’t bear it. Jaemin was hopelessly perfect. Honestly, he could see the appeal. (Damn, it hurt to admit it)

At the end of the day, Jaemin was his friend and he just had to make peace with his shameless flirting. It was actually relatively easy once he realized that that was just the way he was with  _ everyone _ . The day he had met him, he enveloped Jisung in a tight hug, almost purring and going a mile a minute about how he had so much about him through Renjun (score). And his affections didn’t cease there. As Renjun introduced him to the rest of his friends (Mark, Donghyuck, and Jeno), he noticed how Jaemin could be sitting next to anyone and would instantly find a way to touch them, or tease them until they were red. When he wasn’t being a tease, he was wrist deep in some biomedical book. 

Again, he was perfect. But Jisung couldn’t even be mad, he’d just have to work harder. 

He again found himself writing page after page in his leather journal. When he first met Jaemin, he found he really needed it so that he wouldn’t mope around Renjun. But once he got busy, he found himself just shoving it into his desk and forgetting about it for days on end. 

All in all, his first semester concluded and he managed to pass with As and Bs. His spring semester had begun and Jisung managed to score a job with the dance studio nearby his campus as a receptionist. He did so to appease Chenle - who would not let Jisung breathe without reminding him about the promise he made him last semester - and to save up money for a gift for Renjun. His birthday was coming up in a week and some change and Jisung had his eyes on a silver necklace that was a couple hundred dollars. He almost had all the money saved up and he couldn’t wait to see Renjun’s face. College was great for Jisung.

Until it wasn’t, because he can never catch a break. 

  
  


Jeno had his arm slung around Jisung’s shoulder, complaining about some engineering project he had due soon while their group of friends walked to the cafeteria. Donghyuck was tormenting Mark and (as per usual), Mark let him with a smile. Jaemin and Renjun were trying to get Hyuck to stop. It didn’t work. The usual. As they dispersed and grabbed their food, Renjun caught up with Jisung and began chatting to him about his birthday that was coming up. Jisung tried (and failed) to conceal his smile as Renjun spoke, thinking only of the necklace that was almost within reach.

“Aaaand, I’m thinking it’s about time we christen your college experience.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Y’know, with a  _ party _ . My birthday falls on spring break and my parents said I can stay at school if I wanted to. Which means parties. Which means we  _ have  _ to go! You were so busy last semester we didn’t get to go to any together but I think it’s finally time.”

Jisung turned his words over in his head. He wasn’t much of a partier, preferring instead to stay home and watch youtube videos or play games with Chenle. But he wasn’t averse to going to his first party, especially not if it was with Renjun. This was a side of Renjun he was comfortable with, the Renjun who did as he pleased and just had fun. The Renjun who treated the world like it was at his feet because he was drunk off his ass and overly confident. Renjun sober was already a force to be reckoned with, Renjun drinking was a trip and a half. Needless to say, Jisung was in. He told Renjun as such and the older was so excited he started bouncing on his feet. 

Jisung wished for  _ once _ he wasn’t staring at Renjun with hearts in his eyes. If he did maybe he would’ve noticed Felix Lee walking in their direction.

Felix was cool. A pretty music composition major who had a bunch of friends. He was a sweetheart, a literal ray of sunshine. Jisung and he had two classes together and all the times Jisung had spoken with him he never had a problem. Jisung probably also took a liking to him because he knew Felix had a huge crush on Jaemin. Like  _ enormous _ . When Felix found out Jisung was friends with Jaemin, Felix turned into a blushing mess. Anyone with functioning eyes could see how in love Felix was with Jaemin. That is to say, Renjun who uses glasses and contacts does  _ not  _ see that. 

Jisung glanced in front of him a second too late and didn’t catch the scowl that decorated Felix’s face when he laid his eyes on Renjun. It all happened before Jisung could even blink. One second Renjun and he are talking about the party and the next, Felix kicks his leg out and trips Renjun so he crashes to the floor  _ hard _ . Renjun had managed to break his fall with his hands, so he wasn’t too hurt. 

Jisung looked behind him and saw Felix sneering at Renjun. 

“All you do is throw yourself at Jaemin like you’re easy. Give it up.”

Renjun’s jaw dropped and he turned red with anger.

Jisung wasn’t even thinking.

He turned around and punched Felix straight in the jaw, hard enough for him to fall on his ass. In the middle of the cafeteria. In front of  _ everyone _ . Chaos ensued.

Soon, Felix and he started to go at each other. In the distance, he heard Renjun yelling at him to stop, and in no time Jeno was behind him, pulling away by the waist and Jaemin had yanked Felix so he wouldn’t keep gunning for Jisung. Jaemin had sent a look at Jeno before going off with Felix to probably calm him down while Jeno did the same with Jisung. 

Once they were in one of the bathroom’s in the caf, Jisung shook Jeno off of him.

“Jisung just relax-”

“I’m fine, Jeno.”

“Jisung, don’t be that way-”

“I said I’m fine!”

Renjun looked at him with a sour expression and just told Jeno to go, that he would handle it. Jeno sighed, and ruffled Jisung’s hair before walking away, leaving the two alone. 

Jisung caught a glance of himself and grimaced when he noticed he had split his bottom lip. He looked down at his fist and saw that it was bruised, a little cut up but other than that he was fine. He knew Felix was probably around the same.

He turned to look at Renjun and rolled his eyes.

“Jisung are you  _ dumb _ ? A fight? In the middle of the  _ cafeteria _ ? What’s wrong with you!”

Jisung was dumbfounded. He knew Renjun would probably be upset, but he wasn’t understanding. 

“Hyung, did you hear what he said? He literally tripped you and called you easy. Unprovoked. What the hell was that?”

“So he trips me and you punch him in the  _ face _ ?”

Jisung said nothing and just nodded his head, as if it were obvious. He punched Felix in the face and he would do it again, no hesitation. Renjun pinched the bridge of his nose and sucked his teeth. He looked up at Jisung with pinched eyebrows and worry in his eyes. He looked disappointed. He looked like Jisung’s mom.

“Jisung, you can’t be doing that. Picking fights in college. This isn’t like highschool, you don’t just get detention and maybe a little suspension and then it’s over. You could get in big trouble. You’re lucky Jeno was there to pull you off and you’re lucky Jaemin probably talked Felix down. If someone found out and if Felix was angrier than he is, you could be in cuffs right now. Jisung you could get kicked out of school.”

Jisung suddenly bristled with anger. At once he felt reduced to a little kid, Renjun chastising him like he was five and Jisung hated it. It had never bothered him much before, when Renjun would do this. But spending that time without him and learning to get used to his absence and having to get used to Jaemin just made him realize how much he could not stand feeling Renjun had to take care of him. Like he was a burden. The words tumbled out of him before he could stop himself. 

“Renjun, I’m not stupid. I’m not some little kid who’s mad that he got put in timeout. I know what I did and I know what would have happened if I got caught and if Felix was angier. Stop talking to me like I’m five. Yeah, I punched him and I’ll do it again because he was mistreating  _ you  _ when you didn’t deserve it. I don’t need any other reason to do what I do where you’re concerned. When will you see that?” 

Jisung stormed off after that and missed the shock on Renjun’s face.

  
  
  
  


Jisung was kicking himself to say the least. Chenle laughed loudly in Jisung’s ear as the latter recounted the whole event. He had apologized to Renjun hours after the whole incident happened and Renjun had accepted his apology, but he knew the older had wanted to say more. He still looked bothered, days after the whole thing passed. 

It had been a week since the fight and even Felix had accepted his apology, saying he deserved it, and they were back to laughing after class like it never happened. Renjun’s party was tomorrow and he knew that Renjun still wanted to go, he had excitedly called him while he was on his way to his own room to ask him about what he should wear but Jisung could tell. With Renjun he could always tell when something was wrong.

“Bro stop laughing at me, I’m being serious!” Chenle wiped his tears and shoved Jisung’s shoulder. Of course his friend came to visit him during spring break, only to torment him. 

“Man I cannot believe no one can tell how in love with this kid you are. It’s so  _ obvious _ .” Jisung scowled and threw a pillow at him that Chenle swiftly caught. 

“Can we stay on topic here, something’s wrong with Renjun and he won’t tell me. I’ve already asked him and he said it was nothing but like I know he’s lying. I can tell.” 

Chenle rolled his eyes and mimicked the action of whisking something - his code for calling Jisung whipped. Jisung groaned and fell back against his pillows. He heard Chenle shuffling on the floor below him and soon he felt Chenle’s head resting against his leg where it was hanging off the bed.

“Maybe he just needs time to bring it up to you? Maybe there isn’t anything wrong in particular but maybe he’s just trying to find a way to tell you. I know you think you’re the only one here having an aneurysm every time you try to find a way to tell him something you’re worried about, but Renjun isn’t as put together as he appears to be. You should know that better than anyone, Jisung. Just leave him alone. He’ll tell you at his own pace, and if he never does then maybe he thought it wasn’t worth saying. You should trust him.” 

Jisung hated when Chenle was right.

“Damn, maybe your big head isn’t empty.” 

Chenle howled with laughter before getting up and attacking Jisung with tickles.

“You better fuckin’ watch it, loser.” Jisung curled over with laughter, tears streaming down his face. He was begging Chenle to stop when someone began knocking on his door. Chenle snickered, leaving the poor boy alone to go answer the door. 

“You’re lucky your knight in shining armour saved you, Ji.” Jisung wiped his tears when he looked over and saw Renjun rolling his eyes as he pushed past Chenle to sit himself down at Jisung’s desk. 

Chenle laughed as he flicked the back of Renjun’s head, “And he’s kind too. What a man.”

Renjun laughed and proceeded to ask Chenle about how his break was going before Chenle grabbed his headphones and slipped on a hoodie. 

“Alright I’ll leave you two to it. I’m gonna go grab some food. Text me if you want anything.” 

And with that he left Renjun and Jisung alone. 

“So, to what do I owe this honor, my faithful knight.” Renjun just scoffed before hopping onto Jisung’s bed next to him. 

“I just wanted to tell you something! What? Don’t get that look on your face.”

“Nothing good comes out of those ‘we need to talk’ talks, hyung.” Jisung grabbed his pillow and situated himself crosslegged in front of Renjun, “But, what’s up.” 

Renjun looked down and began picking at his cuticles. Jisung tossed the pillow he was holding at him to stop his nervous habit and the older looked up. 

“Just talk, hyung. It’s just me.”

Renjun sighed and then began to speak. 

“I’m sorry, Sung.” 

Jisung was...confused, to say the least. 

“What are you apologizing for?”

“For the way I was acting with you after that whole thing with Felix. You’re right, you’re not a little kid. I shouldn’t have talked down to you, it wasn’t fair. You’re actually not as little and snot-nosed as I thought.”

Jisung rolled his eyes before he broke into a smile, “It’s okay.”

Renjun was getting ready to argue but Jisung just said “Aht aht! No more apologizing! It’s fine, really. Don’t sweat it, Jun.” 

Renjun smiled before yanking Jisung toward him and squeezing his arms. Jisung snatched his arms back because he was ticklish and tossed the older a questioning look.

“When’d you get so big and  _ strong _ , Sung, huh? One punch and you had Felix on his ass.” 

Jisung flushed in embarrassment and turned away from Renjun mumbling that it wasn’t much, “Felix is hardly that much smaller than me. It would’ve been embarrassing if I couldn’t even make him stumble.”

“Oh so he wasn’t even a challenge?” 

“Hyung! Shut up!!!”

Renjun just proceeded to laugh at him.

  
  
  


In short, the party was a mistake. The necklace was burning a hole in his pocket and Jisung felt  _ stupid _ . He wasn’t a fool to think that when Renjun invited him to the party that it would be just them, even though a small part of him really hoped that was the case, he knew his friends would come and that Chenle was joining. No, he was dumb to think that Renjun would be anything but loud. He had everyone drooling after him.

They were already at the party and Jisung had drunk two cups of jungle juice (which tasted like shit) and was feeling pleasantly buzzed, Renjun well into his fourth (“I’m trying to get smashed tonight, Sung. You’re not a good friend if I leave here even moderately coherent.”), and everyone else somewhere in between tipsy and drunk. He felt stupid because no matter how many times Chenle had told him to stop looking like a dog, Jisung couldn’t help sneaking glances at Renjun. He was across the room playing flip cup with Jaemin and Jeno and  _ damn _ .

His hair was again that lilac-silver, parted to the side and over his forehead with the rest slicked down, an errant strand decorating the side of his forehead. His skin was flushed a pretty pink, likely from the alcohol, and his lips were a glossy pink to match - surprisingly surviving all the nervous biting and drinking. He was wearing a simple long sleeve black shirt with a jean jacket and black ripped jeans. It was so simple but it was so inexplicably him, Jisung couldn’t look away. 

He wished he had 

Suddenly Jaemin came in between Renjun and Jeno, slinging his arms around the two and glancing down at Renjun, likely to ask him how he was feeling. And then there it was, the thing Jisung hated most about Renjun’s infatuation with Na Jaemin.

The minute Jaemin directed his attention over to him, Renjun looked away - flustered beyond belief. Jisung hated it. He hated that whenever Jaemin gave Renjun the time of day and whenever Renjun spoke about the boy, Renjun shrunk into himself. He made himself smaller and became a blushing mess that was literally only able to stutter and shyly smile. 

Jisung  _ hated  _ it.

Jisung darted to the kitchen to find another drink and hopefully Chenle who he hoped was coherent enough to want to smoke. He managed to get a hold of him and the two went out to the balcony to roll. Chenle left Jisung to his thoughts as he rolled the joint, sensing he was upset about something.

Jisung remembered the night he realized this and spent an hour angrily scrawling into his journal. He hated that Renjun acted that way with Jaemin because it wasn’t  _ him _ . It wasn’t that Jisung wanted to be the one doing that to Renjun, god no. He hated when Renjun got that way because Renjun was everything but small and shy and quiet and flustered. 

Renjun was loud and commanded attention. He spoke whatever was on his mind, he was fiercely loyal and unapologetic about the things he did. He was the one that always teased. He made people flustered. He always wanted the best for everyone and was never quiet about the things he wanted for his friends. 

Renjun wasn’t meant to be lost in the background, he was always the main character. 

And as Jisung smoked with Chenle, he wallowed, his high making him looser but not letting him forget his anger. It was all he could think about. Jisung shared this with Chenle, who laid his head on Jisung’s lap. His eyes were low and he hummed his acknowledgement as Jisung spoke, brushing his hair with one hand and holding the joint that was now off in the other. 

As if on cue, Renjun stumbled out to the balcony, sporting a bright smile and as angry as Jisung was, he couldn’t be upset. Chenle flicked Jisung softly under the chin. 

“I’m gonna leave you, loverboy. I promised Jeno I would play flip cup with him.” Chenle saluted Renjun as he left and burst into a fit of giggles as he walked away. 

Jisung looked back at Renjun slowly, taking a glance at his watch before he broke into a grin as well. Jisung opened his arms and Renjun tossed himself on the ground next to him, cuddling into his arms. 

“Happy birthday, Junnie. I hope you’re enjoying yourself.”

Renjun nodded his head and grabbed the remainder of the joint from Jisung’s hands, patting his pockets for his lighter. After taking a pull he blew the smoke out into the air and let his eyes slip shut. “Thanks, Jisung.”

Jisung thought Renjun looked pretty like this. With the light eyeshadow on his eyes and his lips bitten raw. A small smile on his lips and his cheeks flushed pink. Pink was his favorite colour on Renjun, he realized, and he told him as such. 

Renjun flushed deeper and finished the joint in two more pulls before it turned off and he flicked it off into the night. “Oh yeah? Why, because it’s the color of my cheeks? Or my Lips? Want me to dye my hair pink?”

Jisung looked away in embarrassment. He had read him like an open book and Renjun’s laughter filled the balcony. He liked Renjun like this. Loud, teasing, unafraid. 

He let Renjun laugh at him and he shoved his hands in his pocket, suddenly feeling the necklace there. He gripped it and turned over to look at Renjun. He opened his mouth to speak and Renjun beat him to it:

“Jaemin kissed Felix.”

Jisung’s heart stopped. 

“He what?”

Renjun shrugged and smiled softly, “He kissed Felix. Like two days ago. And then again like, twenty minutes ago.”

Jisung balled his hands into fists and Renjun put his hands on his shoulders, eyes slightly unfocused. 

“Don’t be mad at him, Ji.”

“Don’t be  _ mad _ ? Hyung, it’s your birthday. You said you two were kissing and texting often. I thought it would lead to something..”

Renjun rolled his eyes and squeezed his hands, “Ji, it’s college. Not everyone wants to find their soulmate here,” Renjun shrugged again, “It was just a crush. Sure I’m a little upset and yeah, maybe I threw my soda at him when he told me (Jun, what the fuck). But at least he had the balls to tell me. I guess I just needed to see it to really believe it. But I’m not mad.”

Jisung looked at him skeptically. Renjun laughed and shoved him, “Okay maybe just a little mad, but I’m being serious! I think I needed to see that to really believe it. Besides, that was just a side quest, it’s time to get back onto the main plot of my personal video game.”

Jisung burst into laughter and Renjun joined him. This was the Renjun he liked, the Renjun that knew the world revolved around him. Jisung liked this Renjun the most. When their laughter died down, Jisung spoke again.

“Hyung, hold out your hands.” 

Renjun looked at him odd, “Don’t spit in my hands.”

“That’s fucking gross.”

“Exactly.”

Jisung rolled his eyes and just pulled out Renjun’s palms, turning them up and staring at him so he would close his eyes. He did.

Jisung suddenly reached into his pocket and the cold silver of the necklace could be felt on his fingertips. He looked at the necklace. The simple, dainty silver chain that had a charm at its base. The charm was simple, a silver shooting star, with a diamond in the center of the star. It wasn’t big by any means (Jisung couldn’t afford big), but it still meant the world to him. He placed the charm in the palm of Renjun’s hands, the chan hanging off the edge. 

“Happy birthday, Renjun.”

Renjun opened his eyes with a smile that slowly turned into a small ‘o’. 

He looked up at Jisung, shaking his head. “Sung, it’s so pretty and- holy shit is that a real diamond?”

Jisung broke out into laughter, nodding his head as best he could. He noted Renjun’s bewilderment and laughed harder.

“Sung, a  _ real _ diamond? You get paid minimum wage at the studio where the hell did you get this money? Did you rob a damn bank?”

Jisung rolled his eyes, “Dramatic. I just picked up extra hours and started working on the weekends,” He shrugged his shoulders, “No big.”

Renjun turned the charm over in his hands, “Uh, YES big. What the hell, Sung. I can’t you have to pawn it you have to get your money back, no way you did all this just for me on my birthday and oh my god we’re doing this while at a party I am the worst-”

“Renjun! Shut up!” Jisung started laughing again. He shook his head and grabbed the necklace from his hands, shuffling behind him to help him put it on. 

“I wanted to get you something nice. You love jewelry a lot but all the little necklaces you have are fake and get rusty. You always end up throwing them out. I wanted to get you something that would last. Something you’re worth.” 

Jisung got bold now that he was hiding behind Renjun, and not staring into his doe eyes. Maybe it was the weed or the alcohol or maybe it was just the built up feelings but Jisung couldn’t stop once he started.

“And...I saw the charm when I was thinking of what to get you. I wanted to get you an asteroid because you know I love them but, something about a little ball with craters didn’t seem pretty to me-” he broke off in laughter.

“But then I saw this. This shooting star and it was just so perfect. I always say I’m so lucky to have you, Jun, and I’m not lying. You keep me company every christmas when you could be with your family. You celebrate every birthday with me, always baking me a cake no matter how long it takes. You helped me get into school. You helped me when I was struggling. You’re the family I’ve always felt like I never deserved. I’m just real lucky, Hyung. I’ve always said you’re the brightest star and you brought me luck when I needed it most. I like space and I uh...I really like you, Jun.”

Renjun’s voice was wobbly when he spoke, “Well I’d hope so, we’re best friends.”

Jisung laughed.  _ No, hyung, more than that _ .

Renjun turned around with tears in his eyes and punched Jisung square in the shoulder. 

Jisung looked at him incredulously, “Ow?”

“Did you just say you were in love with me, Ji?”

Jisung paled. “No, I said I liked you.”

Renjun gave him a hard look, “No, you said ‘I like space and I really like you, Jun’ and then I said I’d hope so because we’re best friends and  _ you  _ said ‘No, hyung, more than that.’ What was that, what does that mean?” 

Jisung’s heart started racing out of his chest. He stuttered and Renjun looked at him with something he couldn’t place, his eyebrows rising slowly as he kept thinking. He opened his mouth and Jisung didn’t want to hear what would come next.

So he didn’t. He bolted. 

He heard Renjun calling after him and he just stumbled his way out the door, ignoring the calls from his friends and just trying to find his way to his dorm.

  
  
  
  


Jisung was stupid. Stupid stupid  _ stupid _ beyond belief. He was stupid for saying all he said to Renjun. He was stupid for confessing to him, literally the DAY he saw his crush kiss someone else. He was stupid for doing that shit on his BIRTHDAY, no less. He was stupid for running out on him. He was stupid for smoking after drinking because he knew his inhibitions would be way too low to control himself. He was stupid for letting himself cry over the situation. He was stupid for ghosting him for almost two weeks since it happened. He was stupid for falling for Renjun. Stupid for putting their friendship at risk. 

And so so stupid for thinking Renjun would feel the same. 

Renjun had tried calling him and texting him after the situation happened. Begging Jisung to just talk to him. He had tried to get information out of their friends, who would come to Jisung questioning him about things he knew were from Renjun. 

Jisung had ignored all his attempts. Not wanting to put pressure on Renjun but mostly because he was terrified of what would come next. If he never spoke to him, then they were still best friends. They were still good, the moment frozen in time. If he prolonged this for just a little bit more, then he would still have his best friend. 

Sure, the past weeks had been absolutely miserable. He had gone to class with his face a swollen mess. He was skittish, avoiding his friends at all costs. He was falling behind on work. He was sad, so sad. But at least he still had Renjun. It wasn’t ideal, but at least like this he still had Renjun.

And that was all he needed.

But of course when would Jisung EVER get anything he wanted. Life was too cruel. 

Because of  _ course _ just as he got over his latest crying session, someone started banging on his door and of  _ course  _ he thought it was just one of his friends trying to weasel more information out of him.

But again, Jisung is stupid. Very stupid.

He yanked open the door, prepared to tell the latest victim to just go away but instead he saw Renjun at his door.

Renjun, cheeks dusted a soft pink, lips bitten raw, clutching something to his chest, the necklace Jisung gave him resting prettily on his neck. He looked worried beyond belief but relief began to wash over his face.

_ Fuck _ .

“Oh no, Park Jisung, you better not close this door we are  _ speaking _ .” 

Jisung’s heart jumped into his throat and he watched his best friend stomp into his room and plant himself onto the middle of the floor.

“First of all, you look like shit.”

His candidness was a good sign. Jisung rolled his eyes muttering a soft, “Gee, thanks.”

“Second of all, why do you look like shit? Have you been crying, Ji? Because you think you ruined our friendship? Think I hate you? Or do you think I don’t feel the same?” 

Jisung didn’t know what to say. Of course Renjun had yet again read him like an open book, hitting every nail on the damn head. Chenle was right, he has no idea how Renjun of all people hadn’t figured it out sooner. 

Jisung crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against his desk, hanging his head. He said nothing. Renjun knew what his silence meant. 

He slammed something down on the carpeted floor, it hit the floor with a soft  _ thump _ . He slapped his hand on whatever it is and the sound made Jisung look at him.

His brow was furrowed and he looked frustrated. He leaned forward, his hand unmoving. 

“I  _ said  _ we have to  _ talk _ .” 

Jisung looked at where Renjun’s hand had landed and he wanted the earth to swallow him whole. 

Jisung jumped away from his desk as if it had burned him and yanked open his drawer. He shuffled the papers around muttering “No, no, no, no,” when he realized it wasn’t there. But it  _ had _ to be. 

“You left it on my desk that one night two months ago. When you got sick after dinner, Jeno and I helped you back to your room. I had no idea what it was, but I knew it was yours and I kept telling myself I would return it to you. I never read it but I just kept forgetting to give it to you. I shoved it in my shelf and kept forgetting. And then after my birthday, the night of the party, when I got home, I got pissed at you for leaving me. I started tossing shit around and this notebook was one of the things I threw.”

Jisung glanced up when he saw Renjun gingerly running his finger along the spine, caressing the cover almost lovingly. 

“I saw it sitting there on the floor and realized how similar it looked to the one I got you. You never knew, because I just know you and I know you never looked, but on the inside, under the strap, I carved a little RJ into the leather.” 

He opened the notebook and lifted the strap that held the journal closed, and sure enough there it was. And he was right again, Jisung had never noticed it was there.

“The next couple days, when you were ignoring me I kept looking at that journal. Thinking of using it as an excuse to come see you. And last week that was my plan. But when I tried to pull it out of my shelf, it fell and landed open on a page and I swore I wouldn’t read it but then I saw your handwriting and how angry it looked. I saw my name written over and over. So I read it. It was about the way I acted around Jaemin.”

Jisung turned away, unable to look at him.

“Jisung...I never knew you studied your ass off and stayed up for hours on end for your entrance exams just to follow  _ me  _ to Yonsei-” His voice broke and Jisung glanced up to see his lip wobbling and his eyes welling with unshed tears.

“You fucking dummy. Chased me to Yonsei my ass, with writing like this I would have believed you were an English major because you wanted to be. Jisung why didn’t you just  _ tell  _ me.” 

“You’re so observant and so smart and you see  _ everything  _ but the way I feel about you. Yeah, the world revolves around me, Jisung, but I never thought  _ you _ did. You were  _ my  _ shooting star all those years ago. No, scratch that. You were my UFO, my new strange friend who actually  _ enjoyed  _ playing tag unlike my scrawny little ass. You were never a part of my world, Sung, you fucking crash landed on it and colonized it. You’ve made my world brighter than I’ve ever known and all I have ever wanted was for you to be happy.”

Renjun got up and shoved the journal into Jisung’s chest. He wiped furiously at his face and tilted his chin up.

“I love you like hell, Jisung. And you should’ve taken a chance on me sooner.”

Jisung loved Renjun like this. Demanding and loud and honest and unapologetically him. His cheeks flushed a pretty pink, his lips bitten raw, his eyes swollen, and his jaw set. 

Jisung loved Renjun like this, like the world revolved around him, yanking everything into his orbit. Forcing Jisung to get used to his gravitational pull, not the other way around.

Jisung placed his notebook on his desk and grabbed Renjun’s face before he could change his mind.

And damn, Jisung  _ really  _ loved Renjun like this. 

With his soft plush mouth pressed up against his, fisting tightly at Jisung’s shirt and forcing him closer like he was afraid the younger would disappear. 

Kissing Renjun felt like what he imagined it must feel like for a star to go supernova. To be filled with so much matter that that mass would have nowhere else to go but the core. For the core to be so heavy that it can’t withstand its own gravitational force and it bursts. The core collapses in a flurry of beautiful colors and intense heat and gamma rays. Expanding and expanding and expanding with light enveloping anything in its path.

Falling in love with Renjun felt exactly like that.

He felt so full of love that it kind of hurt. So full he didn’t know what to do but burst. Loving Renjun and knowing he loved him back made him feel like a meteor shower, his love raining across the sky, some pieces landing on Renjun and filling him with warmth. 

Falling in love with Renjun felt like a dream and he never wanted to wake up. 

When they finally pulled away, Jisung kept his eyes closed, afraid that Renjun’s feelings would change, that he would wake up. He couldn’t wake up.

He felt Renjun peck his lips. And then his cheeks. And then he continued until he littered his faces with kisses and Jisung was laughing because it tickled. 

“I have yet to hear anything back from you, Mr.”

Jisung looked at Renjun and behind the stars he could see the worry, the doubt. Jisung willed it away when he placed a tender kiss in between his eyebrows.

“I love you so much, Renjun. You don’t even know.”

Renjun nudged the notebook with a finger, “I think I have an idea.”

Jisung rolled his eyes and Renjun laughed as he kissed him softly once more.

“Now c’mon, loverboy. Lets get your ass out of Yonsei and into a dance program. You should have transferred ages ago.”

Jisung laughed, letting himself be pulled by Renjun.

“Yes, sir.”

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much to my precious beta, i know i probably stressed you out more times than i can count. thank you for helping me with this monster, i know i didn't make it easy <3
> 
> please leave any feedback and let me know what you think <3


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